Forgiveness

My name is Randi.

I am Candace.

The names and places in the book “Voices Carry” have been changed. It was a last minute decision, my call. I had jumped through legal hoops for the better part of a year after signing with my first agent for the non-fiction memoir version of my story. I could have been very well within my legal rights to expose the real names of my abusers. My sexual abusers. The manuscript was sent to publishers, and we were waiting on responses. That’s when it happened. The epiphany.

It was strong enough for me to withdraw my manuscripts. I could ruin the life, career, and relationships of my abuser. I felt justified in doing so. He had all his life gotten away with it with impunity. In hatred and avarice, he publicly shamed me, and saw no wrongdoing in that. He somehow twisted his evil doings, and in turn had me feeling guilty for the crimes he committed. I suppose in a way, I’m still allowing that to happen by fictionalizing “Voices Carry”. Allowing him freedom from answering to his heinous acts.

Yet, if I did allow that non-fiction version to be made public, knowingly ruining his life, his career, that would make me a monster too. I refuse to let him do that to me. Instead, I will rise above it. Above him. Above his narcissism.

I feel in order for me to completely heal from the wounds he inflicted upon me, in a cold bathtub when I came home raped by a stranger at 14 years old, I had to forgive him. Set aside the rage burning within me and destroying my joy. I had to completely let go of the man whose acts changed me on a cellular level at a time in my life that I still had baby teeth.

I now understand that forgiving him absolves me of all ties he continued to bind me with throughout my adulthood. Forgiving isn’t just letting go. It’s truly understanding and feeling compassion for the person. Which, in turn, allows me to feel that very same understanding and compassion for myself. Forgiveness is an act of God. God has forgiven me for my own wrongdoings, no questions asked. God has shown me nothing but love, grace and mercy, and I must show those very same gifts to him. That’s the epiphany.

It’s funny how God works in our lives. He teaches us lessons when we are ready to hear them. I wasn’t ready until the 11th hour, but it takes what it takes.

I had to let go. And I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. Forgiveness gave me freedom. I no longer harbor a resentment, and he no longer takes up any room in my head. Now I can do the things that really matter: working with survivors of sexual assault. On the political forefront, I lobbied on Capitol Hill, meeting with Senators and Representatives for bills that benefit survivors, past, present, and future. Bills such as “The Defiance Act”, “Project Safe Childhood”, the “No AI Fraud Act”, the “Shield Act”, the “Victims Voices Act”, and the “Debbie Smith Act” just to name a few. I work on the speakers bureau for RAINN.org and travel on my dime to speak on various topics relating to sexual assault. My newest venture is working with a local church, hitting the streets to get women being trafficked out, and into shelters and long term programs.

Without giving too much away, Candace’s story ends as she finally uncovers the truths that left her sick with depression, anxiety, and PTSD.

Randi’s story continues.

And Randi’s voice- it carries.