Stepping It Up

Clean and Sober

I have now been “in the rooms” of a 12-step program for 20 years. Do I have 20 years under my belt? Absolutely not.

There are some people who get it right off the bat. They go to their first meeting, and never pick up a drink or use ever again. I am not one of those people.

Coming off drugs was one of the most difficult things I have done in my life. There have been many relapses, only to return when I was finished and begin again. Admitting I was an addict wasn’t a difficult thing for me to do, and for some it’s a major obstacle. I knew I was an addict before I walked into my first meeting. It was a blaring reality. In my younger years, my life revolved around my next high. Where and how I would come upon it. The obsession and compulsion ruled each day of my existence. As I write this, the book has not yet been published, and I will refrain from telling my story about my battles with it here, and let you read about it all when the book comes out. I will say it was the darkest times of my life. I wanted to die, but was too cowardly to admit it and take a razor blade to my wrists.

Now there’s fentanyl. It’s killing thousands each day. I probably would have been one of those statistics if I hadn’t stopped. I see memorials on Facebook of all the heartbroken mothers that post the pictures of their beautiful children who thought they were taking a Xanax, or a bump of coke, and died. It’s unbelievably frightening. The death rates continue to take more lives, and leave families devastated to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives.

The truth is, my very first meeting planted a seed of hope. It ruined each and every high I stumbled back into. I knew there was a different way of life. A way out of the madness. I had secrets, though. Secrets that I couldn’t access, and did not remember. My mind wouldn’t let me yet, and I sought relief from the pain the only way I knew how: drugs and alcohol. It was a revolving door of endless fruitful recovery followed by an act of self sabotage. I felt I didn’t deserve happiness.

At one point, though, it clicked. If I actually applied myself to the program, get a sponsor who helped me work through the steps, and attend meeting regularly, I could stay clean. It was a life changer. I worked on the aspects of my life that were accessible. My self-centeredness, selfishness, shit, there’s a plethora of character defects I’m still working on, but the point is, I continue on a daily basis to work on them and learn more about myself each day.

The truth is, most of the women I have met “in the rooms” have some kind of sexual trauma in their past. Men too, but they tend to keep these things close to the vest.

Without my meetings, I can say with surety I would not be clean & sober. It is a daily reprieve. Nor can I ever say, “I’ve got this- I’ll never drink or use again”, because the truth is, I only have today, and tomorrow is another day. I’ve been blessed enough to put these days together and have a continuous amount of time, but I’m only one drink, one hit away from disaster.

And that next one – well, it can kill me.

If you or someone you know has a substance abuse problem- and here’s the important part, if they are ready for help through a rehab facility, I have a number for you to call that can help place them.

Call the confidential SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

Love to you all,
Randi